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NEWS &
EDITORIALS
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New Single
July 8, 2026
I've
been taking care of so many other things that I never got around to
announcing the release of this song, which has been out for almost
three weeks already. This cover of Shania Twain's "From This Moment On"
featuring the amazingly talented Laura Bretton and Matt Riese, is the
second song that will be going on my upcoming EP of 1990s-era ballads.
I
was hoping to have the EP out this past spring, but other priorities
got in the way. As time permits, I will finish producing the third song
for the EP and then decide if I am going to digitally distribute the EP
with three songs, or keep the EP a work-in-progress and continue adding
songs to it.
For
more information, click on the link to the Music page.
The Crippling
Effects of Insecurity
July 7, 2026
Over
the the past couple of years, I wrote a few articles about Narcissistic
Personality
Disorder, which is characterized by the creation of a powerful,
infallible ego which the narcissist brings into existence. They use
this forced identity to act as a surrogate sense of security, allowing
them to function in a world they're emotionally unequipped to handle.
In
the same cluster of disorders as narcissism is borderline personality
disorder. This disorder is behaviorally very similar to narcissism, but
whereas narcissism is designed to mitigate shame and fear of judgment,
BPD is built to mitigate
fear of abandonment. Both disorders are distinct, yet both can very
easily co-exist
in the same person.
Dealing
with someone afflicted by a comorbidity of these disorders is extremely
challenging because their debilitating insecurity warps their
perception of you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
They live in a different reality where they have to keep
protecting themselves from perceived threats. Their insecurity keeps
getting
triggered, resulting in emotional reactions that defy logical behavior.
Life for them is an uphill battle, and typically marked by
loneliness and depression.
Insecurity
does not require a personality disorder, but a Cluster B personality
disorder does require insecurity. What exactly is insecurity? To define
insecurity, it will help to first define security.
Security
is a solid identity built on a foundation of self validation.
It is typically instilled in childhood through proper
nurturing, forged over one's teenage and young adult years, and
eventually solidified in adulthood. Once it's solidified, it is meant
to be taken for granted, working in the background like a computer
process. A self-validated person goes
through life making friends, building a career, perhaps getting married
and raising a family.
A
person whose identity is underdeveloped and incomplete, most commonly
as the result of childhood neglect, will grow up lacking the security
needed to face adversity in the world. Instead of being able to
take life's lumps the way a normal, emotionally healthy person would,
their mind is preoccupied with protecting themselves from perceived
harm, seeking
self worth through external
validation, and trying to force a sense of a secure identity by
publicly asserting a false strength of
character.
Protecting Themselves from Perceived Harm:
Without
self validation and a solid identity, insecure people harbor an
internal, negative prejudice toward themselves which festers in their
psyche. Picture their mind as having a filter that adds
self-deprecating subtext to everything that goes into it, such as,
"You're worthless." This causes them to perceive harm and feel
emotionally hurt at the drop of a pin. They remain on guard,
suspicious, and distrustful of others, which results in their
perception of
people to become heavily biased toward hostile.
As
long as an insecure person's insecurity is not triggered, they'll see
another person as a friend.
The insecure person will get along with them, but the filter
will still cause them remain on guard 24/7.
They have a long history of feeling emotionally hurt, which is why
insecure people are often so vocal about needing to set boundaries
and put up emotional walls. This is why they need everyone to walk on
eggshells around them.
The
slightest thing,
such as a constructive criticism, harmless misunderstanding, or
perceived-but-nonexistent threat, can
trigger an insecure person's insecurity. This
is where Cluster B disorders get interesting, because when an ordinary
person
inadvertently says or does something that triggers the insecure
person's insecurity,
the entirety of the ordinary
person
will change in the insecure person's eyes. Every positive
aspect of the ordinary person, such as their kindness, thoughtfulness
and
generosity, will get tossed out the window and replaced with perceived
malicious intent. The ordinary person, who was
a friend just moments ago, will come out the other end of that filter a
mortal enemy to be mistrusted and despised,
In
psychology, this
instantaneous flip from regarding a person as a friend to abjectly
hating everything about them is
called splitting, and it
explains why people with Cluster B disorders typically have a track
record of failed relationships, hurt feelings,
burned bridges, depression, and isolation.
Seeking External Validation:
Whereas secure people are powered by
internal validation, insecure people need something to suppress their
internal negative self prejudice. That's where external validation
comes in. To feel worthy, insecure people are continually seeking
approval and positive reinforcement from others.
They tend to post a lot on
social media about themselves, and much of their posting includes
selfies and virtue
signaling.
Virtue signaling is intentionally drawing attention to one's good
deeds and thoughts.
When
an insecure person receives a like or comment, their brain releases
dopamine which acts like a temporary, surrogate self-esteem. The
release of dopamine also reinforces repetitive posting behavior.
[Social media platforms rely on this psychological phenomenon, but
that's a topic for another day.]
Publicly Asserting a False Strength:
One
of the most fascinating ironies of human behavior is that the
people who constantly assert how strong they are, are
actually the most insecure. Since they don't have a solid identity to
power them
through life, they find different ways of forcing an identity, such as
mimicking other people's clothing styles, getting tattoos and body
piercings, coloring their hair, etc. One way they can force a sense of
security is by continually advertising how resilient and authentic they
are.
Expressing these positive traits, if only on paper, helps them feel
like they possess them.
Secure
people typically don't do that because they have no need to sell
themselves to themselves or anyone else. Their identity is solidified.
They just are who they are, and they take that security for granted.
In
recent months, I've discovered there is an entire subculture of
insecure people on social media posting almost nothing but positive
reinforcement messages, memes, and videos of strength and resilience,
and they're pretty much all
networked together. They find and attach to each
other for comfort and safety (from being abandoned or feeling
negatively judged). For some Cluster Bs, these online friends
and strangers are their only social connections because life outside of
their social media bubble is too emotionally triggering.
Even
though Cluster B personality disorders are legitimate emotional
disabilities, what can make people who possess them so intolerable is
not just their lack of emotional regulation, but also if they cannot
understand that their insecurity is causing them to vilify
harmless, innocent, benevolent people. They believe they are defending
themselves against harmful people, but the pain they're feeling is not
coming from other people — it's coming entirely from within their own
mind. They're feeling the pain of old emotional wounds, often from
childhood, and reacting to them by blaming, summarily hating, and
splitting on everyone who inadvertently triggers them.
Borderlines
can be acutely aware of how their disorder causes them to vilify good
people, but narcissists (or borderlines who possess traits of
narcissism) must escape the shame of that reality, so they create an
alternate reality in which they are innocent victims of harmful people.
There is no other reality that they will accept.
When
a person with a Cluster B personality disorder splits on you, it can
leave your head spinning because their sudden flip-flop from friend to
foe comes straight out of left field without provocation or warning. If
you have any experience dealing with people afflicted with Cluster B
personality disorders, you have a better chance of piecing together
what happened by understanding how their mind works.
How
you choose to handle it, however, is up to you. If the person is
debilitated by NPD, it is recommended that you promptly break off
communication and get away because once a narcissist feels threatened
by you and devalues you, they
will forever hold you in contempt (and in their crosshairs.) There is
nothing positive that can come from keeping yourself in the graces of a
narcissist.
If
the person is debilitated by BPD, at the very least you'll need to
establish boundaries. If you don't have the time or patience to deal
with a borderline's verbally abusive emotional roller coaster rides,
you're not obligated to stick around. You're not less of a human for
leaving a borderline. It is perfectly acceptable for you to set a
no-contact boundary with a borderline no differently than you would a
narcissist. But ultimately you have to consider the kind of
relationship you have with the borderline as well as your own peace of
mind, and determine boundaries that are healthiest for you.
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Copyright
© 1996-2026, Tom Brusky LLC
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