Amazon's
Copyright Infringement Department Run by Larry, Moe, and Curly
December 14,
2019
The other
week, I came across an Amazon
seller using one of my
photos without permission to sell their products on Amazon. Not only
did I
immediately recognize the photo as my family's Cairn Terrier, but my
name from the copyright watermark was clearly visible
when zooming in to the lower right corner of the photo. I filled out
and submitted a copyright
infringement claim asking Amazon to remove the photo. In my complaint,
I added that I would be able to supply Amazon with the original
uncropped photo if requested.
Open
and shut case, right?
Wrong.
What should have been a piece of
cake claim to settle, Amazon
managed to snowball
downhill
into the deepest pits of incompetence.
The
first thing Amazon did was send me a
reply saying further
information was needed. The additional information they requested,
however, was all of the information I had submitted in the original
complaint. Furthermore, they wanted details about my business. I
scratched my head, but nonetheless I resupplied them with all of the
information I originally sent them. I also explained that my business
[how did they even know I run a business?] had
nothing to do with the claim, because my business doesn't
own the copyright to the photo
— I do.
A
week later they sent me an email
stating that they altered/removed
the infringing material based on my report.
Several
days later while browsing Amazon,
on a whim I went to the
product page that used my copyrighted photo, and saw that it was still
there. I replied to the email from
Amazon above to inform them that the infringing material was still
posted, and asked that they please follow through with taking it down.
Amazon
replied by telling me that if I am
submitting a copyright claim,
appealing a copyright claim decision, or reporting inaccurate
information about a product, I need to go through the proper channels.
I
emailed back saying I was doing none of
the three, but rather
following up on an existing complaint for which I did go through the
proper channels.
Amazon
replied by telling me they did not know to which claim I was referring,
and to please include the claim number in my correspondence.
I
responded with the same message and
with the claim number included.
(Apparently every message sent to their department requires the sender
to include the claim number in the body of the message.)
Amazon
replied by telling me that if I am
submitting a copyright claim,
appealing a copyright claim decision, or reporting inaccurate
information about a product, I needed to go through the proper channels.
It
was become evident that the people who
work in Amazon's
copyright infringement department are a few lights short of a
Christmas tree. I reiterated that I was not filing a new claim,
appealing an existing claim, nor reporting inaccurate product
information. I explained in very clear terms that I was merely
following up on
an existing claim (number provided) and simply trying to tell them that
they forgot or
failed to follow through with removing my copyrighted photo as they
said they did.
Once
again, Amazon
replied by telling me that if I am submitting a copyright claim,
appealing a copyright claim decision, or reporting inaccurate
information about a product, I needed to go through the proper channels.
By
this time, I was convinced I was
dealing with people who were either illiterate or unfathomably
incompetent. Rather than waste my time any further, I reached out to
the seller
directly. The seller
promptly responded and removed the photo.
If
Amazon ever starts
replacing customer service employees with robots,
I hope they start with their copyright infringement department, because
the people currently working there have less reading comprehension
skills than a
bucket of bolts.
You've
Got Questions? I've Got Answers!
December 14,
2019
With
apologies to Radio Shack for
paraphrasing their slogan from the 1990s, I wrote this article to
explain aspects of my music production that I am frequently asked
about.
It's not uncommon for me, especially after releasing an album, to field
questions from fellow musicians in the business about my process for
writing, recording, and releasing music. I will still respond to
individual emails on these topics, but I thought it would be helpful to
make public my answers to some of the most-asked questions I receive.
Who is
performing the instruments on your songs?
I typically use
guest musicians when
recording polka albums, but for my
non-polka songs, if no other musicians are credited, then I am
performing all of the parts myself. Most
of you know I play a few different instruments, but my productions
also make extensive use of virtual instruments, which are
software-based instruments controlled by MIDI (most often via a piano
keyboard.) I own a lot of high-end
virtual instrument libraries, and have gained a lot of experience in
how to compose with them over the past several years. [For more
detailed information on this subject, please read "The
Holidays In Music — How Was It Done?"]
Do you
use loops?
Loops
are pre-recorded, pre-mixed
snippets of songs
that musicians can put together to create [the more appropriate term
for this is "construct"] entire songs. The use of
loops is extremely popular in almost all contemporary forms of pop
music. There are also
companies that create loops for many other styles of music.
I do not use loops, ever. Even though
loops can yield great-sounding,
radio-ready results, I personally feel using pre-recorded loops would
sap all the creativity out of music composition. I create songs the old
fashioned way... by writing, composing, and arranging them from scratch.
Instead
of posting 30-second snippets of your music, you post the whole song.
Doesn't that hurt your sales?
No,
and it has to do
with how young people and old people approach music consumption in
totally opposite ways.
The largest consumer of music has always
been young people, and young
people today want their music as conveniently as
possible. They
subscribe to streaming services so that they can get all the music they
want on their phone,
whenever they want it, wherever they are.
For
this reason, if you provide your full
song on your website, you're not going to lose a single sale to a
young
music consumer. I gaurantee it. Anyone who likes your song enough to
want to hear it more than once will look for it on Spotify, YouTube, or
whatever
subsciption service they use, and add it to their playlist, because it
doesn't cost them anything extra to do that. And you will get your due
royalty
from each stream.
But that's young people. What about older
people
and polka music?
The way most older polka people get their
music is completely the
opposite of young people. Most don't subscribe to streaming services.
They
get their music in more traditional ways. Those who don't have
computers get their music by listening to the radio and watching
reruns of the Mollie B Polka
Show on cable TV. Those who have computers get their music by listening
to internet radio shows like
24/7
Polka Heaven and browsing through YouTube videos.
I lieu of buying music, they
bookmark their favorite polka music
videos and websites.
So why am I providing my full songs to
these older listeners instead
of 30-second song clips?
It's because they won't purchase the
music either way. If
I post full-length songs, they'll
listen to
the full-length songs and not buy the album. If
I post 30-second clips, they'll listen
to the 30-second clips and not buy the album. You simply can't sell
music to people who don't buy music.
When you release an album on CD,
30-second "teaser" music clips may help drive CD purchases from your
more
devoted fans who have been anxiously awaiting your new release.
But, after
those few sales are done, restricting sound clips to 30 seconds will do
absolutely nothing to boost sales, especially if your songs are also
available on YouTube. If this sounds totally
counterintuitive, it's because it would have been just 10-15 years ago.
That's how fast the music industry has changed.
[Edit:
January 9, 2020] I need to mention one other disadvantage
to posting entire songs online, but one which has little impact on
sales.
Some people who get their music for free by listening to sites like
SoundCloud, YouTube, and 24/7 Polka Heaven may go the extra step to record the music they're hearing on
those sites. This is a flagrant copyright violation, but someone who
would go to that length would likely never pay for a an
album anyway.
Is
digital distribution of one's music a viable way to make a profit?
To
answer this question, I'll cut right
to the chase. If nobody's buying your polka CDs, chances are you won't
fare any better with digital distribution. There are no
lucrative polka music markets anywhere in the world waiting anxiously
for the latest album by Joe
Derpmeister and the Polka River Ramblers. When you put your
music out there for the world to see,
you're just one of a thousand bands releasing songs to the world that
day.
These
are the three main ways you get
paid from the digital distribution of your music:
- Selling
Downloads:
Offering downloads online is already a mostly-obsolete format. Most
young people don't buy downloads anymore,
and most old people never did.
- Royalties
from Streaming Services:
The number of times my music is streamed each week far outnumbers the
quantity of
CDs or downloads I could ever sell. This may sound impressive,
but there's a
catch. Streaming royalties are small. Very small. Verrrrry small. I
think you get the picture.
- Royalties
from Sync Licensing: The short definition of sync licensing is
when someone uses your music in a video. A royalty is paid, much like
when your music is streamed.
How
much money you make from any of the
above revenue streams depends
on how popular you are, the quality and content of your music, your
marketing skills and strategies, and pure luck.
Are you
done with polka music?
No.
I produce all different kinds of
music because I enjoy all different kinds of music, but I am still a
polka musician at heart. No matter what kind of music I write and
release, I always come back to polka at some point.
New
EP Just Released! "Country Christmas
Collection"
November 29,
2019
After five months
of writing, arranging,
recording, and surviving not one but two hard drive failures, I'm proud
to present a truly unique offering of brand new, original Christmas
music. "Country Christmas Collection" is an album of five songs, with
each song respresenting a different era of country music.
My goal with this project was two-part:
To write good songs, and to give each song a distinct sound, feel, and
arrangement reminiscent of a particular decade.
1. A
Christmas She'll
Remember (1940s)
Making a recording to sound 80 years old is no simple
task! Ribbon
mics,
vintage-colored preamps, and a whole lot of creative software
processing was
used to intentionally degrade the audio of each track. The song is a
simple story
about an unaffluent yet gladsome man who meets the girl of his dreams
and begins saving his money to buy her an engagement ring for Christmas.
2. Santa,
Don't Sneeze! (1960s)
Inspired by the AM radio-optimized Bakersfield sound
of the 1960s with
a touch of Western
swing (and accordion!) mixed in, this whimsical song is about a boy who
is
so determined
to get a new bike for Christmas, he implores Santa Claus to stay
healthy so that he doesn't risk missing his ever-important, annual
sleigh ride.
3. Fifteen
More Miles (1970s)
Performed by vocalist Dawn Jones and engineered with
an ultra-warm, analog
sound, Fifteen More Miles is
a sentimental song about a loved one trekking her way
back home
to be with family and friends. Although the song is set in the 1800s
before the age of the automobile, the lyrics carry a message which
holds true to this day: No matter where life takes you, you can always
come home for Christmas.
4. Angel
of Christmas (1990s)
Country music's popularity surged in the early 1990s
as the genre took
on a
more contemporary, crossover sound. The poignant lyrics of this
song, delivered by vocalist Jay Isaacson, concern the memories of
a loved one at Christmas. Whose photos do you hang on your Christmas
tree every year? As long as you remember them, they are
always with you.
5. Christmas
Shopping Fool (2010s)
If your favorite holiday is Black Friday, this song is
for you! It's a
whimsical portrayal of one girl's take on the spirit of the holidays,
which for her, is hitting all the Christmas sales and buying more
than she can afford. Nashville session singer Christine Corless is the
featured vocalist.
I
started this project in July. At first, it was going to be just one
classic country ballad for my friend Dawn to sing, but as I was writing
it, the music in my head started leaning toward a more modern sound. I
decided to continue developing that song and hire a different singer
for
it, and then write another classic country ballad for Dawn.
So
now I had two country songs in production, one with a 1990s sound and
one with a
1970s sound. I thought, why not keep going? I always wanted to write
and produce a contemporary country song, and I also thought
that trying to
recreate the vintage sound of a 1960s 45 RPM would be a fun challenge,
so I began writing two more songs.
By
the time September came around, I was working on a total of four songs.
Then Ken Burns' PBS special on country music started airing on
TV, and
that inspired me to go back even further — to the 1940s — and write a
fifth song. Getting the music to sound like it came off an 80-year-old
78 RPM was more challenging that I had anticipated. Each track required
layers of software plugins to get the job done.
Getting the music and sound right was
only one part of the equation,
because all of these songs are centered around the vocals and lyrics. I
take great pride in writing and arranging my songs to fit the tone,
style, and range of the vocalists I hire, but it takes a high degree of
talent from those singers to bring it all together. That's why I am
particularly proud of the job Christine, Dawn, and Jay did on this
recording. They took the time to learn the songs and pour their talent
into them, and I want to publicly thank them for their dedication and
professionalism. Without them, this project would never have been
realized.
About the guest vocalists:
Dawn
Jones ran a very successful karaoke business for many years
before
signing up as a
backup vocalist to tour with a popular Midwest-based entertainer. I
met Dawn at a private Christmas
function a few years ago where my band was performing. She came up to
sing a few songs with us, and within the first few measures of hearing
her rich voice, I knew she'd have to appear on a future recording
project.
Jay
Isaacson is a professional singer and
pianist who has been entertaining at public and private events for
decades. I first heard Jay's vocals three years ago when I was
searching for singers for my "Holidays in Music" album. I
remembered how incredbily warm and
sincere Jay's voice is — a kind of a blend between Barry Manilow,
Richard Marx, and Michael W. Smith. That's exactly what I wanted for Angel of Christmas, and Jay's
delivery was spot-on.
Christine
Corless is an established
session vocalist living and working in Nashville, Tennessee. Several
local singers auditioned for Christmas
Shopping Fool, but it was when I heard Christine's vocals while
searching outside the local circuit that I knew I
had found the right person for the job. Because of her Nashville-based
work experience, Christine was able to connect with the song and give
the attitude and edge it required.
I have no idea how many hours I've put
into this EP, but I'm sure it's
well over 300. I never bother to count anymore because it's typical for
me to put 50-100 hours into each original song I produce.
If you enjoy Country Christmas
Collection, please share it with your
friends on social media and help spread the word. And
if there is a particular song you
connected with, let me know. Your feedback is valuable. Thank
you!
The
"Problem" With Today's Pop Music
October 30,
2019
I knew it would happen sooner or later.
My friends— the people I grew up with — are complaining about today's
pop music.
"It's got no melody"; "It's so risqué"; "It all sounds the
same"; "How can anyone listen to this crap?" and so on.
It's one
thing to have an opinion about a song or style of music, but
when you start making blanket statements declaring how bad today's pop
music is, whose voice are you hearing? Your own, or your parents'? If
you truly feel that today's pop music is void of substance and moving
in the wrong direction, you're welcome to that opinion, but please be
advised... you run the risk of revealing your age.
Pop music
changes with each new generation. It's supposed to. World
events, social trends, and technology continually shape and transform
pop music. It was once parlor music and ragtime, then became jazz, then
became swing, then became rock n' roll, then became surf rock and
British pop, then became punk and album-oriented rock, then became hair
metal, rap, and synth-oriented dance pop, then became boy bands, divas,
indie, and more. When pop music hit the new millennium, it had already
branched out into unlimited, blended forms of styles like EDM and trap.
Whether
or not you like today's pop music, it's right where it's
supposed to be and doing what it's supposed to be doing: appealing to
young people with lyrics, sounds, and beats tuned specifically to their
ears. It's not supposed to sound good to you, because you're too old to
feel what it has to offer.
The
reason pop music has always appealed to young people, and why young
people are the driving force behind it, is biological in nature. Music
is a vehicle by which young people form and establish their identities
and social connections. Before they enter their teens, they start
growing virtual antennae tuned to the frequency of pop music. When they
reach their mid teens, their antennae grow to their maximum height. As
they enter adulthood, the antennae start to shrink, and within about
ten years, they're completely gone. They're no longer needed, because
the person's identity has been established.
Your
antennae are long gone, so any hope of experiencing your children's
emotional connection to today's music is futile. If you're open-minded,
you can still appreciate aspects of the music, but your brain
is incapable of responding to it like it did when you were 15. If
you are aware of this, then you can understand why your parents didn't
"get" your music of the 80s, just like your grandparents didn't "get"
your parents' music of the 50s, just like your great grandparents
didn't "get" your grandparents' music of the 30s.
So, if
you
think today's pop music sounds bad, you can swear up and
down it's the music, but... is it?
Autumn Colors
October 23,
2019
Some photos I've taken over the
years of
fall foliage in my area:
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin |
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin |
Root
River Parkway in Greendale |
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin
|
Root
River Parkway at Morgan Ave. |
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin |
Root
River Parkway in Greendale
|
Root
River in Franklin
|
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin
|
Root
River Parkway in Greendale
|
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin
|
Oak
Leaf TraiI in Franklin
|
Oak
Leaf Trail - 106th & Norwich |
Greenfield
Park in West Allis |
Greenfield
Park in West Allis |
Residence
in Greenfield
|
79th
Street in West Allis |
Oak
Leaf Trail in Franklin |
Goodbye
to an
Old Friend
October 6,
2019
2019
Oktoberfest in Tinley Park, IL
September 8,
2019
We're
proud to have been the Saturday night headlining band for this
event, which we estimate drew around 2,000 people. If you're looking
for a spectacular
Oktoberfest but can't get to Munich, the Oktoberfest in Tinley Park, Illinois
should be your destination!
Polkasound
Studio Closing Its Doors
September 1,
2019
After
thirty years of being in service,
Polkasound Productions will be
closing its doors to the public. The sharp decline in polka music sales
over the last ten years has rendered professional studio recording
economically unviable for most local bands. The studio will not be
dismantled, but in April of 2020, it will become private for the
exclusive use of Tom Brusky LLC.
Public
notice to all past clients: Polkasound has shelves of multi-track
studio projects on 1/4" reel-to-reel, 1/2" reel-to-reel, Super VHS, and
IDE hard drive, as well as DAT and bin-loop duplication masters. YOU
OWN THESE RECORDINGS, NOT POLKASOUND. If you want to save your
recordings, you
must take possession of them before April, 2020. Please email to
arrange for
pickup. Recordings not collected will be destroyed. (Note: I do not
have the capability to transfer music from these older formats to newer
formats.)
Polka Artist's
CD Gets Pulled
August 25,
2019
There is a Wisconsin polka
accordionist who recently released an album of live music tracks. I
will not reveal his name, but only say that he is a young,
up-and-coming bandleader. Musically, he has a ways to go yet, but he is
a likable, ambitious musician nonetheless. Since he was a teenager, he
has been receiving support and encouragement from some of the best
musicians and bandleaders in
the business. Occasionally, the support he receives is in the form of
talent. To give him a boost, established A-list
musicians and bandleaders have performed with him on stage, sometimes
as a paid sideman,
sometimes gratis.
Earlier
this summer, I played a job with him on drums. I've done it before.
It's a small concert in a small town on a Monday night. I'm happy to
have played these jobs, but I always played them
under one very strict stipulation: no recording of the performance
could be commercially distributed (made available to the general
public.) I reminded him of this stipulation several times, which he
acknowledged and clearly understood.
The
other day, I discovered that he took audio from the concert, which he
recorded on his phone, and commercially released it as an album on CD
Baby. My photo was on the album cover as a member of his "band." Even though he was explicitly
forbidden to do that, he did it anyway.
CD Baby has since removed his
album from their website, and he has been instructed to remove the
album from his Facebok page.
To
use a musician's likeness and recorded performance for commercial gain
without their consent is a violation of professionalism, but sometimes
it's a mistake made by young musicians due to ignorance. To use a
musician's likeness and performance against
their express wishes, however, cannot be regarded as a mistake.
It is a willful, flagrant betrayal of trust.
I
harbor no ill will toward this young bandleader, yet, I must protect my
rights as a professional musician. I will no longer perform with him,
and I also must caution all other Wisconsin bandleaders and musicians
that if you perform with him, it is at your own risk, because you may
end up an unwitting, unwilling and unpaid session musician on his next
album.
Bandleaders
and musicians who need additional information are welcome
to email me.
Three
Original Christmas Songs Slated for
December Release
August 20,
2019
I've
been busy writing and producing three new songs for the Christmas
season. All of
them are in the same genre of music, but from different eras: the
1970s, the 1990s, and today. I'm not revealing at this point which
genre of music it is, except I'll say that it's not polka. Each song
will feature an amazing vocal performance from a different professional
singer.
I don't
have a specific release date set for the songs, but I aim to
roll them out between Thanksgiving and Christmas. When the songs are
released, you'll be able to hear them in their entirety on my website's music page,
where you'll also have the option to purchase and download them. You'll
also find them on all the major music download and streaming
subscription services.
Speaking
of my music, there are still some Positively
Polka CDs available from
the Mollie B Store. The album
is barely more than a year old, but only a handful of CD copies remain.
CDs will not be reordered after they've sold out. Due to CDs becoming
obsolete, Positively Polka is
my last album to be released on compact disc.
Incidentally,
I saw that the album was included on the ballot for the
2019 National Cleveland-Style Polka Hall of Fame awards. I'm grateful
it was
considered for inclusion, however, I encourage all my friends and fans
who are voting members to vote for another
album on the ballot, not mine. An award given to me would be an award
wasted, because I create music purely for the love
of creating music, and the only awards for which I strive are the
smiles and compliments I receive from people who enjoy my music.
Trophies and plaques are best served going to musicians who proudly
view and display them as symbols of achievement. I'm just not one of
those musicians.
I ran
into Joey Miskulin at a function a few months ago, and he took
the time to acknowledge a song I wrote and share some high praise about
the arrangement. That conversation was worth more to me than an entire
wall full of Hall of Fame awards. Compliments like that are what
encourage me to keep making music.
Plaques and trophies can't do that.
Polka Music
vs. Pop Music
July 17,
2019
There are lots
of reasons why I've added the production of contemporary music to my
repertoire. Here are 8,427 of them:
Redesigned
Website
April 30,
2019
By now, I'm sure
you've noticed that my website looks quite different. I've maintained
the
site's design specs from before, but changed all of the graphics. My
reason for doing that is to more accurately market myself as an
all-round
musician/composer than just the leader of a polka band. My website
needs to convey that I create music both inside and outside of the
polka genre.
The Death
Knell for Compact Discs
Has Officially Rung
April 2,
2019
 From its peak
popularity in 2001 to now, the compact disc has declined in sales by
88%. CDs are still the most popular format for polka music buyers, but
purchases by polka fans throughout Southeast Wisconsin have finally
dwindled to the point where manufacturing CDs is no longer an
economically
viable avenue for most bands.
From the late 1990s to the late 2000s, I never had a problem recovering
all of my recordings' production costs. In 2014, however, I barely
broke even
with Polka Pontoon. Two years later, I ended up taking a bath
with The Holidays in Music. In 2018, I had hoped to
reverse the trend with Positively Polka, but even with
top-notch musicianship and local radio advertising, retail sales of the
CD were too low to recover production costs.
There was a time when I could make one trip around Wisconsin's
Southeastern polka club circuit promoting a newly-released CD and sell
over fifty copies. Now I'd be lucky to sell five. I used to
sell CDs to music fans all over the country, but even those
out-of-state sales have dried up as well. Needless to say, the sales of
compact discs have slumped so low, it is no longer practical for me to
release music on CD.
There are a lot of reasons for this trend, but the main one is that
most of the fans and dancers who used to buy polka CDs have either
passed away or aged beyond their music-buying years. Some bands are
still
able profit from CD sales depending on their popularity, extent of
their travels, style of music, and other factors, but they are the
exception to the rule. For your average, locally-based, Slovenian-style
polka band, spending a couple thousand dollars or more on a
professional studio production is no longer a recoverable expense.
There just aren't enough people buying polka CDs to justify the
investment of making them.
The alternative to recording and releasing albums on compact disc, and
one which I and other musicians are embracing, is to record singles and
release them individually via digital distribution. Instead of
recording a whole album of songs and ending up with a huge studio bill
and a box full of unsold CDs, a band can spend just enough money to
record one or two songs,
and then share them with the world through music subscription services
and
download sites.
There are not yet many polka music fans using their phones or computers
to stream polkas on sites like Pandora, but this is how mainstream
music
is distributed these days.
Since 2016, I have been digitally distributing my music all over the
world, garnering loyal listeners from Sweden to Singapore. In lieu of
CD sales, I earn money through royalties and download sales.
When the last of my Positively Polka CDs sell out at the Mollie
B Store, it will officially herald the end of the
compact disc era
for me. With possible exceptions such as fundraisers and giveaways, all
of my future music productions will be released online only.
Speaking of future music productions, I have a brand new contemporary
pop single coming out this spring which features a powerhouse singer
from Chicago and talented rapper from Milwaukee. I was originally
planning for a March release, but the singer came down with bronchitis.
She is set to record her parts in early April, so the song is expected
to drop around the third week of April barring any additional delays. I
am also going to be collaborating with an incredible singer from
Milwaukee on a Christmas single to be released in December. Neither of
these songs will be in the polka genre, but please be assured I will be
producing more polka music down the road.
Caravan
of Destitute Cleveland Musicians
Reaches Milwaukee
April 1,
2019
 Nearly
a dozen polka musicians
from Cleveland, OH, desperate to find work, packed their instruments
into their cars and embarked on a 450-mile journey to Milwaukee
yesterday. Their hope for a better life quickly took a turn for the
worse soon after pulling into the parking lot of the Blue Canary on
College Avenue.
"They don't look very open," remarked accordionist Ronnie Tercik as his
car became stuck in shrubs growing out of the parking lot.
Drummer Stan Demrovich walked around to the front of the building to
knock on the door but quickly returned with a somber look on his face.
"There is no door. And I was assaulted by a pack of raccoons. I'm
pretty sure this place is
closed."
Twenty minutes later, the caravan of cars pulled into the parking lot
of Perko's Lounge on 54th & Burnham. A pile of cigarette butts
around the back of the building gave everyone hope that maybe Gentleman
Jim was still playing there, but the boarded-up windows adorned with
gang graffiti and bullet holes indicated otherwise.
The musicians got into their cars one more time and headed out to the
suburbs, stopping at the Walgreens pharmacy on Hwy 100 & Layton to
ask where they could find the Melody Bar.
"I'm sorry. I wish I could help you guys, but I 've never heard
of the Melody Bar,"
said store manager Craig Struhle, 44, "and I've lived here my whole
life."
With all
hope lost, the musicians faced the reality of the situation.
Bass
player Rudy Belgaszic let out a big sigh. "That's it. We're done.
Milwaukee is just as dried up as Cleveland. We might as well head back
to... wait! I just remembered something! What about the Polka Palace?!?"
With
renewed excitement, everyone jumped back into their cars and
zoomed down to Milwaukee's South Side to their new destination...
Back
in Style — Turtlenecks with Gold
Chains
April 1,
2019
 It was an iconic look for men
that faded in the late 1970s, yet, it somehow remained a staple of
polka musicians' and dancers' wardrobes well into the 21st century —
it's the turtleneck and gold chain ensemble, and it's finally come back
into fashion.
Most polka musicians and dancers over the age of 55 likely own
turtlenecks and gold chains from years past, but younger musicians will
no longer have to scope out these fashionable duds at second-hand
stores. As of this spring, Macy's, Kohl's, and Neinman Marcus
department stores will begin carrying the "Polka Night" line of
clothing from the Sylvester Cyrwiarczesky Collection, which can be
found in the men's department between Giorgio Armani and Tommy Hilfiger.
"This is great news!" said Bob Kolbe, 65, an avid polka dancer from
Glaucoma, Wisconsin. Kolbe, sporting blue denim shorts with white
tennis shoes and tube socks, boasted of his collection of gold chains.
"I
have about a dozen chains going
back fifty years. One of of them I found on the street while standing
in line to see Star Wars.
"My favorite chain," Kolbe reminisced, "was given to me by my father in
1975. I asked where he got it, but he wouldn't tell me. On the back is
an inscription that says 'Property of Deney Terrio'."
Rose-tinted
prescription glasses with thick frames, however, are expected to remain
out of fashion for an indefinite period of time. |
Dodge
Announces New Caravan Model for
Musicians
April 1,
2019
Trusted by soccer
moms for over three decades, the dependable Dodge Caravan is now
available in a new design for musicians on the go. The 2019 Dodge
Caravan MTV (Musician Transport Vehicle) is a stylish vehicle boasting
a winning combination of retro looks and sophisticated engineering.
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|
30-year-old
design inspired by 1989 Caravan, complete with missing hubcap and faux
rust bubbles, assures your new MTV will blend in with the rest of your
band's
vehicles.
|
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|
Sherwood
sound system features CD changer, cassette player, 8-track player, and
pop-up 7" reel-to-reel tape deck.
|
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|
In-dash
GPS navigation automatically disregards car ferries, toll bridges, and
other route options musicians can't afford. |
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|
Power
doors have been proactively disabled since they always break anyway.
|
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|
New
ITIGBS Panic Button simultaneously
opens all six side windows. (ITIGBS stands
for "I Think I'm Gonna Be
Sick".) |
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|
Every
seat features a USB charging port, two ash trays, and three beverage
holders: 12 oz, 16 oz, and 20 oz.
|
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|
Specially-designed
air induction vents around driver's side window ensure driver's breath
cannot be smelled outside vehicle. |
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|
MTV
goes from 0 to 60 MPH in 9.5 seconds. More importantly, it goes from 85
to 55 MPH in just under one second.
|
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|
Special
safety straps ensure accordion cases will not tip over or slide around.
(Straps do not fit button box cases. As if that matters.)
|
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|
Computer-assisted
loading helps you configure optimum equipment placement, and
automatically alerts you when you end up with less equipment than what
you started with. Special "Yankovic Mode" alerts you when you end up
with more equipment than what you started with. |
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|
BOSE®
in-cabin noise cancellation system is specifically tuned to clanging
cymbals, rattling drum hardware, and snoring.
|
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|
Hooks
in headliner let you mount up to six Polka Hall of Fame award plaques.
(Plaques not included. Plaques may be easily obtained by becoming a
polka musician.) |
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|
Heavy-duty
rear bumper made of high-impact steel is engineered to absorb low-speed
collisions with trees, brick walls, stage doors, tent posts, entitled
bicyclists, and your wife's car. |
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|
Special
1,500-lumen LED reverse lights can be manually engaged to tell the
idiot driver behind you his high beams are on. |
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|
Old-style
square headlights are field-replaceable in the event of a deer strike.
All MTVs sold at dealerships within 25 miles of New Glarus, WI come
with a dozen spare headlights.
|
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|
Driver's
side sun visor features a convenient fold-out parking ticket organizer.
|
Special
financing for musicians is available at your local
Dodge-Chrysler dealer. To receive a low rate of 3.99% APR, please bring
your Moose membership, AARP membership, or Old Country Buffet Senior
Citizen Discount card to your dealer. To receive an even lower rate,
show them your Polka Hall of Fame membership card. To receive the "Pity
Rate" (the absolute lowest rate allowed by federal law) show them your
drum cases.
Steve
Meisner (Finally) Named Official
Spokesperson for Korbel Brandy
April 1,
2019
A huge
congratulations to bandleader Steve Meisner for landing this
prestigious, new gig!
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